Module 2 – The Family Picture of ADHD

Estimated Time: 60 minutes

In this module, you will learn:

• How having a child with ADHD can impact the family
• How parents can help their family
• How to foster sibling relationships complicated by ADHD

The Family Picture of ADHD – 5m25s

2.1 How Having a Child with ADHD Can Impact the Family

Because of the behavioural nature of ADHD, having a family member with the condition can have a profound impact on family life.

In later modules, we will focus more on the person with ADHD and how it affects them directly, but in this module, we begin to explore the family picture as a whole. ADHD does not only have an impact on the child but also on every family member around them. To begin, we need to look at the way in which a child that has been diagnosed with ADHD typically acts within a family setting.

There is a belief that ADHD results in children constantly being disruptive, but this is inaccurate and unfair.

People are guilty of believing that a child with this condition is going to be a ‘devil’ child, but this just shows ignorance of the condition, as well as writing the child off as a lost cause when that should never be the case. Yes, a child with ADHD has the potential to make things tense from time to time within the family unit, but ADHD does not have to be seen as a negative thing that parents or other family members have to endure.

With a better understanding of the condition, and the correct handling of the various situations that can arise, there is no reason why this child and their family cannot go on to live a happy and content life together.

However, there are a number of potential problems that both parents and the child are going to have to face up to when they have to deal with this particular condition. Understanding the problems and feeling prepared to deal with them are key to living with ADHD.

A child with ADHD may experience emotional dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation is an impaired ability to control emotional responses, and is common in people with ADHD. Anxiety and anger are typical and may present as outbursts which seem disproportionate to what has triggered them. These outbursts can be difficult to manage, and strategies will need to be found that work for the child. Some people find that simply stepping back from the situation is enough; for others, counselling may be required.

They will need an established and consistent routine

People with ADHD need routine to provide a framework for organising themselves and staying on track, and they may feel anxious if they are uncertain of what they are expected to do and when. Parents should create a routine and stick to it consistently. Visual aids are useful for this, such as calendars or charts with key activities marked.

They may refuse to do unwelcome tasks

Children with ADHD find it difficult to focus on what they don’t find interesting and unsurprisingly this often presents as a refusal to do chores or homework. Breaking overwhelming chores down into smaller chunks can help them to focus, and to gain self-esteem from succeeding at tasks. For example, a job like tidying their room can seem overwhelming to a child with ADHD, and it will be hard for them to stay on track. Break it down into incremental steps. Use a chart if necessary to help them.

They are susceptible to screen over-use

Children with ADHD are far more likely than neurotypical children to become obsessed with screen time, and this is linked to the instant reward of a dopamine hit that they get from digital activities. Screen time can be a useful aid in the ADHD household – as a reward for completing less-appealing activities, or as a way to engage children with learning – but it does need to be used carefully. Excessive screen time by children with ADHD is thought to reduce sleep time and quality and exacerbate many symptoms. Try creating a family media plan and a schedule for screen use.

They may display challenging behaviours

From time to time, children who have ADHD will try to test boundaries and see how far they are allowed to go with their behaviour. All children do this at times, whether consciously or not – it is how they learn about rules and expectations. Children with ADHD have more issues than their neurotypical peers because they struggle to retain instructions and have poor impulse control, and so maintaining boundaries is especially problematic for them. Using visual reminders and consistent rules can help.

Other children in the family may mimic behaviours

Even though they are not aware they are doing it, there will be certain times when a child with ADHD may influence the behaviour of other children in the family. It’s important not to apportion blame – it’s not their fault. Younger children often copy older siblings and may mimic behaviours they witness. Calm and consistent parenting alongside an explanation of behaviours at an appropriate time would be a good strategy.

They will need one-to-one time

It is important to explain an ADHD diagnosis to a child in an age-appropriate way so they understand why they find some behaviours so difficult and why they might feel different to their peers. Parents should take some time every day to talk to their child one-to-one. Be sympathetic to their difficulties and praise their successes. Children with ADHD often encounter more criticism than most, and lack self-esteem as a result. Daily one-to-ones with a trusted parent mean they know someone is on their side.

Other family members may not understand their behaviour

All family members should be educated on the condition so that open discussions can take place. A child with ADHD deserves to be understood and accepted. Likewise, other children or family members should feel able to come forward with any issues, worries or complaints so that they can be addressed.

The way in which a child with ADHD blends into the family is actually less of a concern than you may initially think. Using your understanding of the condition, and knowledge of how to diffuse situations, makes it easier to avoid any major issues. In addition, working on the bonds between each family member, no matter the connection, will also help to build a sense of harmony. This is important, but can sometimes be overlooked.

There is no reason why a child with ADHD cannot play a full role in any family. The first step is to educate yourself on the condition and use the knowledge gained to ensure that you do what is right for you, your child and your family.

A large percentage of families that have a child with ADHD have a happy and normal family life. Knowing how to deal with this condition – and do so effectively – is something that any parent should be able to do, given the right tools.

Fact

Children with ADHD often struggle in school because the condition is not understood. This can cause long-term consequences, so the earlier the condition is recognised, the better.

2.2 How Parents Can Help After an ADHD Diagnosis

When it comes to a child being diagnosed with this condition, there can often be a mixture of feelings for the parents.

At first, they may have feelings of guilt and believe that they have done something wrong that has caused the condition. Alternatively, they may start to think that there is something else that is “wrong’ with the child and go on a search or quest to identify the issue that is causing all of the problems.

At other times, parents may feel a sense of relief that finally they have an explanation for their child’s behaviour, and that they can start making positive changes and looking forward to the future.

Understanding how to handle this situation as a parent is key to a positive outcome for the child and the family as a whole. It also helps to reduce the stress and anxiety that parents can feel moving forward.

It is commonly found that parents of children with ADHD experience higher levels of stress, feelings of powerlessness, anxiety and generally less satisfaction in their marriage.

The parents often have to contend with stressful situations at home and negotiate with others who find the child with ADHD ‘disruptive’ by nature. There are many trials for parents in navigating family life in this new context, and it’s important to find ways to manage. We are going to explore some detailed coping strategies for parents in Module 10.

However, at this point, our focus is a simple approach to meeting these new challenges of family life head-on.

Remember, dealing with this situation will likely be unique to you, as a method that works for one may not work for others.

Stay calm

Your own behaviour sets the tone. It is understandable that it can get stressful trying to handle difficult situations, but getting angry is going to make matters a great deal worse. Children with ADHD often suffer from associated anxiety issues that can be exacerbated by angry outbursts, so it’s important to try to stay calm. Maintaining a calm air can often defuse difficult situations and lead to others settling down.

Think before you react

This is closely tied in with the idea of staying calm. It is also important that you take a moment, think about what is going on and try to understand it before you react. That is not to say that you should be afraid to discipline a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD, but it should be done in a controlled, coherent manner. Think and understand. Piece together what is really going on. React in an appropriate and calm manner, with compassion and consistency.

Act as a role model

It is accepted that children with ADHD generally respond well to a positive role model, so it’s especially important for their parents to behave in an appropriate manner. Be a good role model in social interactions and in family life. All children in the family will look to you and your behaviour as a way of reinforcing what they understand as the correct way to behave, so this approach will benefit everyone.

Make time for all family members

When one child has complex needs, it can be easy to prioritise time with them over other family members, and this can cause relationships to suffer. You need to work out how to strike that balance between meeting the needs of the child and making sure that other family members also have quality time. This will look different in every family. The crucial thing is ensuring that no one feels neglected – and this includes spouses/partners too!

 

2.3 How to Foster Sibling Relationships Complicated by ADHD

Due to the way in which ADHD can affect a child and the family unit, it is important that parents also look at the child’s siblings to ensure that none of the children are negatively affected.

The single most important thing parents can do for their neurotypical children is to communicate effectively. They already know there is something different about their sibling with ADHD, and they may feel frustrated, resentful, baffled and exasperated with their sibling’s behaviour if they don’t understand it properly. ADHD should be explained to them clearly and in an age-appropriate way, with the expectation that this will be an ongoing conversation.

Siblings of children with ADHD face many difficult emotions, some of which are related directly to their sibling and their behaviour, and some of which are due to their perception of their own place in the family. Some of the issues are:

• Embarrassment at their sibling’s behaviour or outbursts, particularly if in a public setting or at school
• Feelings of guilt that they can do things more easily than their sibling with ADHD
• Putting pressure on themselves to be the “good child” – to be good at everything so as not to cause their parents any further stress
• Sometimes being overly accepting of their sibling’s behaviour, to the extent where they will put up with negative behaviour or even bullying if it means not troubling their parents
• Feeling that their parents always seem to side with the child with ADHD
• Jealousy that their sibling gets more attention

Interestingly, there can be jealousy from the sibling with ADHD too, as they perceive their neurotypical siblings cruising through life without any of the same difficulties they face. There are a lot of big emotions experienced by all siblings, and they can make for some significant challenges for children and parents alike.

It’s not all bad though. The siblings of children with ADHD may face many frustrations and a lot of confusing emotions as they grow up, but it can also have a positive impact on them.

Siblings of children with ADHD are streets ahead of their peers in developing positive traits such as compassion, understanding and empathy.

In order to nurture the positive experience and mitigate the negative aspects of having a sibling with ADHD, parents must actively support their neurotypical children. It is important that all children feel able to express themselves and have their needs considered.

Be fair

Children have a keen sense of fairness. One thing they might struggle with is understanding that ‘fair’ does not always mean ‘the same’, particularly in a household where one child has more complex needs. Parents should make sure all children are heard, and that they know their needs are respected and are important. They might not always get what they want, but they will at least understand why.

Enforce consequences

Ensure that misbehaviour is dealt with in a consistent and fair way. Appropriate consequences – such as missing screen time – can be agreed upon and understood by everyone from the outset, and applied when necessary. This structured and consistent approach can help children to stop feeling as if their siblings get preferential treatment.

Praise and reward all children

Using behaviour charts and rewards is a good strategy for helping a child with ADHD, but this can cause feelings of resentment in other children when they see their sibling getting recognition for doing the same everyday things that they do without any reward. Try to find ways to reward other siblings for age- or ability-appropriate successes.

Level the playing field

Children with ADHD often suffer from a lack of self-esteem, and compare themselves unfavourably to their neurotypical siblings. Give each child a sense of their important place in the family by giving them a role appropriate to their ability. It can be something simple, such as laying the table or feeding the family pets. What’s important is that it’s something that each child can easily accomplish.

Make time for everyone

Parents should spend time with their other children, ideally one-on-one. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. A walk in the park, or a trip to the local café for a milkshake. These are opportunities for the other children to make their voices heard – possibly to vent about the difficulties they face with their sibling with ADHD – and to enjoy the undivided attention of their parents.

Be a role model

Model an appropriate response to the difficulties associated with ADHD. Deal with the child calmly and with compassion. Try to face the issues with a sense of humour. Your other children are likely to follow your example and will benefit enormously from this approach.

Organise family activities which everyone enjoys

Family life can be stressful sometimes, and relationships can get strained. Take some time out to do something that everyone enjoys, be it a trip to the cinema or something more active to blow off steam. Spending time together and having fun can strengthen family bonds and mitigate some of the negative emotions which may have been building up.

This may all seem a little overwhelming for parents after the ADHD diagnosis of a child. There is certainly some significant effort involved in creating a new routine and new boundaries for family life. It is worth remembering that not all changes have to be made at once – time can be spent gradually introducing changes and seeing what works for a particular family. It will be time well spent, as the rewards are substantial.

2.4 The Future of the Family with a Child with ADHD

But what about the future of the family in general?

This is actually a question that a number of parents try to answer, as they are perhaps unaware of the full implications of having a child that has been diagnosed with ADHD. Also, they are often misinformed as to what it means or what the future holds for that child alone, never mind the rest of the family.

However, we should not view ADHD or someone with ADHD in a negative way. Families adjust and survive even though there are some key steps that have to be considered.

For example, it is important that a family thinks about the following points:

1. a) That the parents learn as much as possible about the condition

This is absolutely key because if they learn more about the condition itself, then they can help their child and, at the same time, deal with any disruptions to the core family unit.

1. b) Educate your other children as well as other family members

It is important that the core family all have the same awareness and consistency in their approach.

1. c) Learn to be calm

This is not always going to be easy, but learning to be calm and understanding will certainly make your life easier. There is also a need for you to be able to recognise behaviour and defuse a situation before it gets out of hand.

1. d) Get help

Don’t hesitate to seek some help when dealing with a child with ADHD, because things are unlikely to be easy. Instead, you need help in different ways from medical professionals who can advise you on all matters. Just as important are other parents of children with ADHD. You may already know some, or you may have to seek out online parent groups. They are an invaluable resource and can offer much-needed support and advice.

A diagnosis of ADHD should not spell the end for the family. Instead, it should be seen for what it is: a step towards understanding how children with ADHD might behave, and how they can be helped. The diagnosis may come as a relief to some, as it answers so many questions about the difficulties the child was facing. There are strategies and solutions that can help you to continue to function as a family. Getting this diagnosis should allow you to move on and do so in an effective manner.

Assignment

The Family Picture of ADHD

Time: 30+ minutes

To make sure you have a good grounding on this topic, make your way through the activities on this worksheet.

Download the worksheet, below print out and complete.

Download Worksheet

SUMMARY

In this module, we have focused initially on looking at the family unit and how it can be influenced by a child being diagnosed with ADHD.

In addition, we have explored how siblings can be affected by this diagnosis, as that is often something that is inadvertently overlooked.

There is no reason why the family unit cannot continue to thrive after the diagnosis has been made.

In the next module, we will move on to look more at the initial diagnosis and how to take those first steps towards hopefully getting effective treatment.

WELL DONE!

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