Module 10 – How Parents Can Cope with a Child That Has ADHD
How Parents Can Cope with a Child That Has ADHD
Estimated Time: 60 minutes
In this module, you will learn:
· How to support a child with ADHD
· Parenting traps and key mistakes to avoid
· Important and helpful strategies to implement
· Where to find help
How Parents Can Cope with a Child That Has ADHD – 5m45s
10.1 How to Support a Child with ADHD
Discovering that their child has ADHD can be a stressful time for any parent, but it does not mean that the family will disintegrate.
Parents should try to view this diagnosis as a means of making sense of their child’s behaviour. There should also be a certain sense of relief that it is not something that they have been doing wrong and that there is a way forward. However, they will clearly need to know how to cope with a child who has this condition, because it is understood and accepted that things will not always be easy.
We have touched on this in earlier modules, but here we fully focus and expand on some of the best approaches for parents to use with their child with ADHD. In the next module, we’ll also look at how parents and other significant others of people with ADHD can help themselves.
Let’s begin by looking at the basic steps that any parent needs to take so that they can not only support their child in the appropriate manner but also manage potential situations as they arise.
This is not a definitive guide, simply because each child will be different, and the approach taken when dealing with each child’s behavioural issues will tend to be rather unique. However, these strategies are all known to be useful in most situations.
Accept that there is a difficulty
The first step to discuss is the need for you to accept that there is a difficulty which must be handled correctly. You must understand that the brains of children with ADHD function slightly differently to their peers – although it is also important to stress that this does not mean that they cannot learn how to behave correctly. You need to be aware that your child has additional needs and be prepared to adapt your life accordingly.
Understand that medication can be important
Medication has been proven to make a positive impact on some children’s ADHD symptoms. Many parents may have reservations about medicating their child to improve their behaviour, but it can be an important part of any long-term treatment plan. It can make it easier to interact with the child on a day-to-day basis and remove much of the stress experienced by both the child and their parents.
However, please note that taking medication for ADHD involves a detailed discussion with healthcare providers about the benefits, risks, and personal preferences. It’s a decision that often involves careful consideration and, for many, trial and error to find the most effective approach. Medication may not be suitable for everyone.
Create a sense of structure
One thing that has been proven to be effective when supporting children with ADHD is structure in their lives. Have a sensible routine for them, have clear rules and instructions and perhaps use a star chart where they can receive a reward for following the structure. This has been shown to reduce stress levels and allow the child to learn more about positive behaviour.
Learn to modify your own behaviour
It is important to understand that many children with ADHD have emotional dysregulation, which means that they are prone to inappropriate emotional responses to stimuli, particularly in stressful situations. It is important that you modify your own behaviour accordingly, as the way in which you react will have a profound impact on the child in question. Reacting poorly to their emotional lability will only make matters worse – a considered approach is more effective.
Think more carefully about saying ‘No’
The word ‘No’ is one that rolls off the tongue very easily and yet, it may be very counterproductive in a number of ways when dealing with this kind of situation. This could mean strategically picking your battles or finding a more positive way to guide your child into the appropriate activity. You still have to say ‘No’ from time to time, but choose those times wisely and think of alternative measures or ways of making your instructions positive rather than negative.
For example
If a child wants to do something and you would prefer them to do something different, then you should not just automatically say ‘No’. This will lead to an increase in irritation and agitation. The alternative is to ask the child to do something else and word it as if it sounds like fun, allowing some sense of control. This may produce a different outcome.
Focus on their positive aspects and behaviour
It is all too easy for people to focus on negative points, as those really make a strong impression. However, that will not be useful in the vast majority of situations. Instead, you need to spend more time focusing on positive behaviour and praise the child when they do something right. If you focus on the positives, there is a good chance that the child will modify their behaviour in response. This is much more effective than damaging the child’s self-esteem by pointing out everything they do wrong.
Learn to evaluate criticism wisely
There is a good chance that you will hear some bad news about the behaviour of your child when they are away from you, and it’s up to you how you react to this. If the criticism comes from a well-meaning, trusted friend or teacher, it might be useful information about a trigger you were unaware of, or it could become an opportunity to sit down with your child and talk to them about how the situation made them feel. Conversely, try not to take any naysayers or school gate gossips too seriously if they react negatively to your child.
Stay calm
The one thing that all specialists agree on when dealing with a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD is that you need to stay calm.
Losing your temper will only make matters worse, so you need to master the art of self-restraint. This will minimise your own stress levels and allow you to handle the situation more effectively.
Provide them with the ability to make choices
In order for children to learn about self-restraint, they must also learn how to make choices. However, when giving them this ability, you need to be clever and provide them with two options where both are positive; such as “Do you want to do your English homework or your Maths homework?”
Be reasonable when they have broken the rules
We have mentioned punishment and discipline throughout the course, but the one point we must stress is the need for you to be perfectly reasonable when it comes to them having broken the rules. For example, it is a good idea that you should agree with the child in advance about what they think should happen as a result of breaking the rules, in order to put the consequences in the child’s hands. Also, it is just another step towards understanding that good behaviour means rewards and bad behaviour means facing consequences.
Never try to change them
What we mean by this is that you should never try to change who they are as people, just because you think that it is going to make life easier for you. Instead, it will be better if you work with their weaknesses as well as their strengths and avoid going for those wholesale changes. It is all a case of understanding limitations and putting measures in place to make sure that they are not exceeded.
These are just some of the ways to get the best out of a child who has ADHD. However, it is up to you to identify the things that work well for both you and your child – and this will involve a great deal of trial and error on your part.
These additional tips will help you connect to your child and stay on top of situations that may arise:
- Keep things in perspective: Coping with a child’s disruptiveness and erratic behaviour can be exasperating to say the least. But parents of children with ADHD need to always keep in mind that the child is not acting out wilfully. The children want to tidy their rooms, sit quietly or wait their turn but they simply don’t know how.
- Avoid being a perfectionist: If you set very high expectations and expect perfection, you’re going to be stressed – and you may end up stressing the child too. Let small things go. Focus on things that are fundamentally important.
- Seek support: Network with other parents with children diagnosed with ADHD. Speak to your child’s teachers, coordinators and your friends. Don’t be embarrassed to seek support.
- Create a quiet place for your child: Create a quiet space where your child can just be by themselves and relax.
- Keep your child’s schedule simple: Children with ADHD may react adversely if there are too many activities scheduled after school. Keep it simple and allow for quiet time.
10.2 Parenting Traps and Key Mistakes to Avoid
It is impossible for you to do everything correctly all of the time; this is a stressful situation and mistakes will be made.
However, being aware of the most common mistakes in advance might make a huge difference to how you approach your handling of various situations.
Understandably, it will be stressful for you when you realise that you have indeed made a mistake, but, at the same time, the important thing is that you are willing to learn from it.
There is a need to remember that you will be under a huge amount of pressure and stress with this situation and, as a result, things will go wrong.
The following are some of the most common parenting traps which people fall into.
You lose your temper
It is understandable that parents of ADHD children sometimes lose their temper. It’s hard to regulate your own responses in the face of a meltdown. However, it’s really beneficial that parents try to control their own temper more effectively.
This doesn’t mean that you have to paste a false smile over your face and pretend not to be angry. Instead, you can try calmly communicating to the child that their behaviour is unacceptable and state that it’s making you feel angry. If necessary, take some deep breaths and/or remove yourself from the situation for a few moments, and try to clearly explain what you’re doing and why.
You fail to understand the challenges of living with ADHD
Essentially what this means is that you forget how difficult their symptoms make their life, and fail to empathise with them. As a consequence of this, you’re much more likely to fall into the previous parenting trap of losing your temper! Also, the child will feel misunderstood and isolated.
It is important for you to remember that your child does not mean to act in a certain way; actions and behaviour are often not intended. Parents will experience less frustration and annoyance if they try to accept their ADHD child ‘warts and all’, and view their mistakes with compassion. Remember how challenging things are for them, and set your expectations accordingly.
You do not collaborate with them
It’s important for parents to listen to their children, and involve them in devising solutions for daily challenges. Without this, it is often the case that the child may feel ignored and powerless, which only adds to negative feelings and emotions.
By involving the child in decisions about how to overcome their problems, there is some buy-in by the child from the start. They are more likely to feel valued, engaged and cooperative.
You don’t celebrate their small victories
Children with ADHD have problems sticking with tasks, especially if they take an extended amount of time to complete. If you don’t celebrate their progress, it’s easy for them to lose motivation. This is as true of behaviour goals and long-term plans as it is of more obvious things like homework or chores.
This comes back to remembering how challenging their day-to-day life is. When they remember to do something like brush their teeth without being reminded, make sure they know you noticed and are happy about it. When they make progress towards a longer-term goal, praise them and encourage them to move on to the next step.
You don’t provide structure and predictability
Children with ADHD need structure and routine; they need to know what is expected of them and when. If you don’t provide them with this predictable routine, they will experience anxiety and confusion. This applies to knowing the consequences of undesirable behaviour as much as the general day-to-day routine.
This parenting trap can be avoided with planning and good communication. For some children, visual aids may be necessary to help them remember the routine. Ensure any agreed plans are stuck to as consistently as possible.
You don’t seek help
Finally, parents sometimes ignore their own self-care. Raising a child with ADHD is a challenging, tiring experience, and it’s important that parents look after themselves too, by taking breaks if possible and seeking support.
Support can be found in a number of places – doctors, therapists, teachers, online or face-to-face parent support groups, grandparents and friends.
Generally speaking, there are a number of areas where you could potentially make a mistake. You are involved in challenging situations, and you will make mistakes from time to time, but the key is to learn from them and not repeat them. You have to take it as it comes and educate yourself as much as possible regarding ADHD, to make sure that you are better equipped to deal with whatever situation arises.
10.3 Important and Helpful Strategies to Implement
Next, we will look at several key strategies that you should consider following to make life that little bit easier for you.
It is all well and good knowing what you should be doing when it comes to handling various situations, but actually carrying out the actions is something different.
When we talk about strategies, we are primarily looking at coping strategies that are designed to make your life that little bit easier. These strategies have been tried and tested by experts in ADHD, therapists and, most importantly, members of the public who have found themselves supporting a child with ADHD. As a result, they are often effective, although we clearly cannot guarantee that this will be the case for every child.
Learn the difference between discipline and punishing the child
One of the first important strategies is recognising the difference between discipline and punishment. In short, discipline involves teaching the child how to behave. However, punishment is different, as it involves them seeing something as being bad and this is where the child will find it difficult to learn what to do. Also, punishment tends to use emotions such as fear and shame, and it should be avoided if possible.
Never punish for something out of the child’s control
You have to remember that many of their reactions or actions are actually out of the child’s control. As a result, it will be counterproductive to then go ahead and punish when what occurs cannot be helped. It is important not to merely react without thought. The child may not be trying to defy you, so if the child appears to have ignored an instruction, try just reminding them instead.
Learn that ADHD is the problem and not your child
This is an important strategy to put into place, as you have to realise that it is ADHD that is the problem – and not your child. Separating the two is key to you moving forward and being able to help your child with their behaviour, as otherwise, you can end up putting too much pressure on them, which will serve no purpose and may be damaging. When there is a problem, sit down with your child, go through it with them and come up with some answers that are suitable for both. Do not just chastise the child, as that will harm their self-esteem.
Anticipate that there will be some explosive moments
If you accept that there will be times when there will be some explosive moments, it will make it easier for you to prepare for them. This will involve you moving out of ‘reactive’ mode and into ‘planning ahead’ mode. With the reactive mode, you are doing things almost on the spur of the moment, or reacting instantly to what is going on right there and then. This is certainly something that may be required on your part, but, at the same time, you should also look at planning ahead.
For example:
You have a child that has been invited to a party, but there is another child there that they have had problems with. Your reactive mode may tell you that they should not go, as it will cause a scene and there will be that explosive moment. However, when you think calmly about the situation and plan ahead, you will see that this does not have to be the case.
Instead, you would talk to your child about the situation and their behaviour. Explain what is expected and also tempt them with rewards for good behaviour, as this is certainly something that will work well with most children. If you are not going to be at the party, discuss it with an adult who will be there and tell them what to do in that situation. For example, it may just require your child to be taken away from the situation for a moment, as by then their feelings will have settled down and things may be back to normal.
Be an important and positive role model
One strategy that is almost always overlooked by parents or those who try to deal with a child who has ADHD, is that it is important for them to be a positive role model for the child in question. The child will look at your behaviour and how you cope in certain situations, to see how they should be acting – and they will pick up on things that you do not expect. If you are the type of person who struggles to control themselves, can you honestly expect the child to be able to do that? Of course not, as they will see this as being the normal way of behaving.
Also, if you shout and yell, the child will shout and yell. If you struggle to contain your anger, the child will do the same. In other words, it is important for you to monitor your own self and act in an exemplary manner for your child so that you are a positive role model.
Focus on just the one issue
It is common for there to be a number of different problems at any given time – and you should never feel as if you have to tackle them all at once. Deal with one issue at a time and resolve that, before you then move on to something else. You also have to focus on those things that are the most important – and then move on from there.
As with the tips on how to handle each situation, there are a number of strategies that you can put into place that should help you in dealing with these issues. However, you should also seek to develop your own strategies using a trial-and-error approach.
Strategies are very useful once you have the correct one in place, so it’s worth the time and effort finding out what works.
FACT
If any food or drink affects a child’s behaviour, parents should keep a diary of what the child is eating or drinking. A GP might refer the family to a nutritionist for more information.
Source: National Institute for Health and Care Excellence
10.4 Where to Find Help
Finally, in this module, we cover an important subject that is sadly overlooked by many – and that is seeking help and not struggling on your own.
Fortunately, thanks to the sheer number of families that have to contend with ADHD, there is help out there if you are only willing to seek it. The need to keep things quiet and to yourself does not apply here, simply because it is a condition that requires help, or you could easily struggle with the situation.
Due to the stress that you will experience with this condition, it makes sense for you to look elsewhere for help. Keeping this to yourself will only lead to you potentially damaging your own health – and that will certainly not be good for either you or the child in question.
Fortunately, there are help groups, both online as well as in-person. A search on the internet and/or social media should help you find local or online support groups which you can access. There are also many websites dedicated to ADHD, which you can use to find more information and solutions to potential issues. Some trustworthy websites are listed in the ADHD Websites document in the Additional Resources tab.
You will be also able to access support via the specialist that is helping you with your child. They will be an invaluable source of information.
There are specialist parenting tips and techniques that you can apply which can make a difference and, of course, it is important that your family should be there to help.
Finally, you should find that your knowledge about the condition will make life easier, as the better the understanding you have, the less likely you will feel stressed about not knowing what to do.
Going it alone, or struggling along, should not be considered an option.
Assignment
How Parents Can Cope with a Child Who Has ADHD
Time: 30+ minutes
Set aside some time to work through this worksheet to test your knowledge on what you have just learnt.
Download the worksheet below, print out and complete.
SUMMARY
In this module, we have looked at how parents can cope with a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD.
In this situation, there has to be an acceptance that there will be difficult times ahead, but they are not insurmountable. Instead, with the correct strategies in place and the understanding that there is help available, you will find that there is no need to struggle unsupported.
In the next module, we will look more closely at the kind of everyday issues that people will need to overcome.
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